In 2016, I applied for my current charge. Unsure about continuing in ministry and whether a congregation would want a separated, single mum of four as their minister, I was upfront in my cover letter and CV that my marriage had recently ended. Thankfully, it wasn’t an issue; they’ve loved me and my children for the past 8 years! Their support and understanding during this challenging time have been a testament to the love and grace of our community.
In the UK today, almost half (42%) of all marriages end in divorce. The reasons are varied, and it can happen to anyone—even ministers!
I was newly ordained in December 2014 and joyously stepped into my new role, but all was not well. Within six months, my marriage was over.
Stubbornly ignoring the call to ministry I first felt at 16, I studied theology to become an RE teacher. We met when I was 19, he was 23, and we married just after I graduated. Four children followed, and for 20 years, we weathered the ups and downs of life together until, in 2015, we couldn’t anymore. We broke.
I’d spent my entire adult life as part of that unit.
Suddenly, I found myself, aged 42, just 6 months after ordination, dreams shattered, not knowing who I was without him. People asked about my/our plans. Would we reconcile or divorce?
Divorce had never been my plan…I couldn’t answer their questions.
Struggling but determined to hide it, work and children became reasons to get out of bed. I was an Associate in a Team Ministry, the Kirk Session was told, and the congregation found out gradually. The day my now ex-husband removed his things from our home, I had a funeral visit. While the family shared their difficulty in emptying their parents’ home, I listened, biting back tears, knowing I was going home to gaps where before were familiar things.
I was grieving, but some felt I had no right… a recently widowed friend still surrounded by comforting and loving family and friends wondered how my loss could possibly compare to hers! And yet, along with my husband, I had lost half of my family and many of ‘our’ friends overnight; while other well-meaning Christians said separation wasn’t God’s will for my family, I should fix my marriage, though they knew nothing of the story of our lives.
God was good, Isaiah 54:4-6 sustained me, but shame shrouded me – someone meant to set an example of Godly living but unable to keep promises made before God on my wedding day.
I didn’t think I could, didn’t think I should be a minister.
My colleagues were a source of strength and encouragement during this time. They believed in me and persuaded me to apply for a new charge, which I did.
In my second week an Elder, a young woman, appeared in tears, her husband gone saying their marriage was over.
The first of many ways God has ministered to others through my brokenness and pain.
It’s been 9 years since that difficult period, and I’ve experienced significant personal growth. This journey has taught me so much and has made me a stronger individual.
People often assume minister’s lives are perfect, but not having this picture-perfect life helps people see I’m just like them, not perfect, I make mistakes, and God redeems, forgives and works through the broken pieces, ministering through them to others– bringing light, healing and wholeness.
Weddings are still hard; especially since in my experience couples frequently choose to marry the first Saturday in August, and almost every year, I’ve had a wedding on or around what would’ve been my wedding anniversary. Tears for what I’ve lost usually flow.
I’m moving again, this time, my covering letter and CV said nothing about being divorced. I don’t apologise for it now. It’s part of who I am, part of who I am called to be. God can use it, and more so, ministers through it.
Rev Amanda MacQuarrie