As a newly ordained and inducted individual in Feb 2022, most of my probationary experience was shaped by the pandemic’s restrictions. Our interactions with other probationers were confined to online conferences, devoid of the personal touch and quiet chats over a meal or before a meeting. The absence of these moments became starkly evident when the opportunity to partake in a 1-5 years pilgrimage retreat at Kilmalieu arose. Martin, our guide, emphasised that a pilgrimage is about walking towards a point of worship and meditation and fostering companionship. I was resolute in my determination to embark on this journey.
After registering, details arrived with a reminder that there are important times for attending to ourselves- our well-being and our walk with God. On our travel day, we were asked to set out with intention: putting aside our reading for sermon preparation, the e-mails, and meetings, we were to close our doors behind us and pray, “For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful.”
Steve Aisthorpe, Wendy Lloyd and Martin Fair were our weekly guides. Each day began with prayer and ended with prayer, and we ate together; otherwise, our time would be our own. Having meals together and how we intermingled impacted the importance of mixing with ‘like-minded’ people- even as different as we are. Each day, we had a choice to do a high-level walk or a lower-level walk or stay around the centre with the art space, the library, the lounge, and walks along Loch Linne available. Throughout the pilgrimage, we were asked to pay attention to the different ways of seeing expressed in John 20: noticing, wondering and realising.
The retreat was designed with structured options or suggestions, but allowing for choice really helped. I experienced an important learning moment at the beginning of the week. We were asked to indicate which activity we would like to choose the next day, and I put up my hands for the high-level walk. I was full of plans for my experience at the retreat, but God gently persuaded me to let go of my plans and instead to rely on God. This was not insignificant. I am always planning ways to optimise my time and get the most out of every opportunity. That first morning prayer activity invited us to consider what we might need to let go of; I was given a clear answer. I was to let go of MY plans to simply be and let God work out the plans. A reminder I hope to keep at the forefront of my activity.
There is something about being out on the hills, in companionship with others, where you are concentrating so hard on where to put your next foot and even overcome with laughter as your boot fills with water from the bog for the 10th time, that gives you have a different perspective on life and your daily concerns. When you are in the wide open spaces, viewing the water rushing down the crevices, watching the cloud shadows chase over the landscape, seeing the goat clamber over the hills or the sea eagle soar into the sky, you appreciate God in creation. What better way to realise you are not alone?
Another significant aspect of the retreat was the opportunity to engage in one-on-one spiritual direction. The chance to share my story and receive personalised suggestions for enhancing my relationship with God was a gift. The value of sharing ideas with an experienced encourager and having someone to walk alongside me was immeasurable, reinforcing the sense of companionship.
I hope to hold onto several meaningful experiences I have gained from the time spent at Kilmalieu. Not only do we crave time spent with God, but we realise we are not alone: being supported by others on a similar journey, sharing a physical space together, and praying and singing together matters. I also hope to revisit the deep sense of peace I experienced in the wildness of God’s creation.
Rev Amy Bender